Kirsten Geary

I was an ordinary Valley Girl, major in human resources, daddy in real estate who paved our driveways with his gold card and shitty cologne. Rest in peace. Until one night in the Hills, a couple of guys who were up to no good fucked with the wrong girl. Fratboy necromancers. Ugh. The worst, especially when they man up from sacrificing neighborhood pets to abducting undergrads. But they didn't check me for mace, or duct tape, and the next thing you know it's all, "You can't do that to us bitch, we're Illuminati." Now, I got to thinking: A, if you're a member from a secret society, you should keep that to yourself. Even under torture, I mean seriously, cry me a river. And B, only my friends call me bitch. Well anyway, to cut a long and aggravated assault short, I realised Illuminati clearly needed to work on their employee handbook. I had just graduated, just killed a few guys, I was looking for work placement. It was totally serendipitous.

I mostly deal with the new talent, but the Labyrinth is our organisation’s brain trust. We bring in key opinion formers from across the board - government agencies, the Senate, law firms, financial markets, mass media. And what you are goin to find is individually, they're compromised by being drama queens, or coke-heads, or psychos, but try to appreciate the big picture. They're all part of a vast decision matrix, which you will only be involved in on the trickle-down level. I know that sounds like a submissive sex act, but don't take it personally. We're necessarily big on separation of responsibility. Otherwise we just lose too much velocity on recriminations. See, back in the day, Illuminati were throwing each other under carriages, slipping rat poison in the absinthe 24/7. Infighting was really cutting it to the bottom line, so we re-align to a corporate model. Now there are due processes and risk management in place, a second-party group to handle terminations. We've turned vendetta into healthy internal competition. Healthy for the winners.

The New York tunnels have been around longer than the city. When the Illuminati moved here, we hustled on architect over from Germany to do the sacred geometry of this place. It drove him crazy, he killed himself when the blueprints were finished, but you know how seriously creatives take everything. The design really was future proof, this is all still the original spaces. We've centralised a lot, except the server farm keeps expanding. It's like a matte painting from a 70's sci-fi movie, you can get lost in there. The rest of the maze you should lucky enough to never see. The old detainment block and medical facility, that's Questions and Answers now. It's mostly soundproofed, mostly. And some of the old board members keep suites way out in the wings. They're not big on face time. They have extreme health issues, extreme privacy issues, extreme... issues. Do us both a favour and stay in the main concourse.

Ah. I understand you were tested positive for "magic powers". I'm not so into that stuff, I'm more of a .44 girl. Just ask my ex-husband, unless they're cleaning out his respirator rubes. But good for you! You're really going to be drinking for the weirdness fire-hose. There is no acclimatisation period. You used that up already, in all the time before our recruited cold called. Ugh. The world is a super messed-up place, and you knew it when you were a kid, or totally alone, or when you actually thought about it. So you didn't think about it. I'm not even laying an ice burn on you. Check me out, I grew up on the alien planet of California and I didn't think about the Nevada Triangle, that cult of Kali in Redondo Beach, the West Coast surfers of the apocalypse, and so on. It was easier that way. And in a very real sense this is the message Illuminati have been sending to the masses. We think so they don't have to. We take enlightenment for the team.

You had better not be having second thoughts, I'm so not the rah-rah girl. Or if you want an Illuminati history lesson, then you need to learn that history is adjustable. It blurs, big time. If we tell people what to think today, what actually happened back then is no big whoop. All that matters is the future, the future we're building. You're going to see that the Earth is up for inheritance and the meek are shit out of luck. Only Illuminati have the capital, the network and the drive for sweet success to really close the deal on this millennium. If you can keep up with the bleeding edge of a future-focused organisation, we can use you in our New World Order. If it turns out you can't, then there's room in history's grave for one more fossil. And no one will remember you. Yeah, that would suck. So work for us, and let us work for you, because we're the conspiracy that's bringing sexy back. Have you seen other guys' uniforms?

Some Illuminati become emotionally compromised just hearing the name. I'm beyond it now, we're perfect and haters will hate. But I should make it very clear that the Templars started this. Red and blue, we never hit it off. Way before America, that was just sticking a fork in it and twisting. We're about power behind the throne, they want a double throne. We couldn't give a rat's ass what people do, as long as it's what they're told. They're control freaks. The saddest thing is, they haven't changed. If Templars got their way - which they did for a really long and boring stretch of history - we'd still be out tilling the soil. Good, honest work, kept safe from this season's evil by the guys with biggest swords. I've got nothing against judge, jury and executioner. I loved RoboCop, it's so... funny. But these goons with their fascist style guides and hard-on for empire have dated so badly. This isn't a rivalry, it's euthanasia. It's our time.

Agh. Talk about a non-starter. I don't want you reading any sign of weakness into me saying we've given up on the Dragon, but... we have basically given up on the Dragon. They're the one that got away from the think-tank. Anarchy is an analyst's nightmare. These guys are completely non-localised, completely independent. The top-down view is an aftermath report from a game of Twister. One hand doesn't have any knowledge of the other, one's a rogue salary man in Japan, the other's a hacker in Iceland or something. If we ever lucked out and busted a whole Dragon cell, we got nothing. Not a single value proposition our interrogators could usefully apply. It was putting them in therapy - the interrogators. Totally wasted process. At the end of the day, we had to cut our losses, admit that sometimes a society of crazy town anarchists is just a society of crazy town anarchists. We're still writing of investments to them every year, it's like a ninja tax. So when you get the opportunity, inflict some buyback.

The Phoenicians are pirates. I know! When I was first briefed, I was all: "What, like Napster?" - but they're a lot of less dot-com. As an operation, they haven't changed much in three thousand years, which goes to show what a growth industry theft and murder really represents. And they work hard to keep themselves at the top of that sector. We've outsourced operations to them before, but don't assume that makes us partners. It's a mercenary thing, a contractual thing. Phoenicians don't take sides, only Swiss bank transfers. There's a big diplomatic grey area around them, since no on can be seen openly associating with Phoenician agents. Even though they're sitting right here on the Council of Venice, comparing tattoos and prison scars. Currently there's nothing on the table between us, so I really want to encourage negative trust in any encounters. I guarantee you'll meet them soon enough. They have a gift for sniffing out trouble spots, all observe and report, then shanking at the first sign of weakness. Come to think of it, they'd make great paparazzi.

If there's one good thing about democratic bodies, it's that they can be rigged. But that is the one good thing. We're responsible adults, we don't need Big Grandfather checking up on us. In writing, actual letters with wax seals, I'm serious. It's... It's like being door-knocked by Renaissance Faire. Venice - the Venetians, Venusians, whatever - they're a power trip with no power. The peace they think they maintain is a joke, it always has been, and they're the last to get it. Even the Templars hate them, and when the dudes in capes and armor say you're out of touch, you know, ouch. The reality is that the modern world keeps shrinking, and none of the societies are big on sharing. We pay lip service to Venice laws because you shouldn't make fun of the elderly. Also they just eat up FUD tactics, then all of a sudden there's an Inquisition or a war in Asia. Any government you can bend is a useful government, but usefulness wears out.